Sometimes we all deserve a pity party. I’m the first one to preach finding the good and keeping your mindset positive. But… there are times that you just need to wallow in your self-pity and let the doomsday thoughts run their course. When you are feeling like this often, the quickest way through the feelings is by going through them. In our effort to keep moving forward, we shove our feelings aside until there is just no place left to put them. Then they come barreling out demanding to be seen and heard.
I just can’t deal anymore.
When your feelings are demanding that you deal with them, you should allow yourself that opportunity. Do the ugly crying. Make all the remarks you know aren’t really true, but somehow feel necessary to say out loud. (i.e. I’m a terrible mother, my kids hate me, it’s never enough, etc.) Give into the emotional side of you. Let the “hold it together” part of you take the backseat. As much as we’d like to plan these mental and emotional breakdowns, they often come out of nowhere when just one more little thing happened. It’s like slowing adding drops of water to an already full cup, eventually one of those drops is going to cause the spill. The drops themselves are inconsequential. But add them all together they create an overflowing cup.
One of the things I learned in my yoga therapy training, is that emotions are stored in our bodies. If we never process them, they can cause pain, fatigue, and even illness. Whether you believe that or not, the point is still the same. Emotions need to be dealt with. It makes for an incredibly stressful life if you are tip-toeing around holding this full to the brim cup, afraid it’s going to spill at any moment. If you are having a day, or week, or month that just feels heavy, letting those emotions come to the surface can be the best thing for you. Let some of the water out of your cup. Find some room to breathe and move more freely.
Sometimes just expressing and letting our emotions out can be enough to move us into a place we can handle again. The cup spilled over and created the room we needed again. Problem solved. Sometimes we need some help getting our cup standing upright again. If your cup spilled and is still tipped over, try these steps to process your emotions in a healthy way.
What am I feeling?
Of course, the first step is identifying what you are feeling. Leave the why out of it and just try to name the emotions. They don’t need to make sense right now. You are just trying to isolate the emotions. The more specific you can be the better. Instead of stating you are stressed, can you be more specific? Is it overwhelm, worry, fear, etc. Use different shades of meaning to dial in the one that feels the most accurate. Being able to name what you are feeling is part of having emotional intelligence. Giving something a name also separates it from you. This helps to deal with big emotions because you realize it is something you are experiencing not who you are.
Am I feeling this physically?
As I mentioned, we can find emotions tied to the physical parts of our bodies. This may seem a little “out there”, but just trust me for a second. If you close your eyes and begin to name an emotion you are experiencing, do you feel a physical part of you respond? Could be that it starts to tingle. Or just pops into your mind. Maybe your hand drifts somewhere. Try to tune into your body and listen for any flashes of insight. Bring your awareness to that part of you and start to be curious.
Describe how that part of your body feels. Tight, tense, trapped, open, closed, etc. The descriptive words you use might just clue you in on how you feel emotionally. Direct your breath and imagine yourself letting these emotions fall away. Maybe even saying to yourself, “What no longer serves me, leaves me.” Acknowledge the purpose those emotions served in learning more about yourself. And then just let them go.
If you didn’t have a specific place come up, direct your attention to your heart space. Allow any words to float up, trying not to get caught up in what it means, just notice what they are. Jot them down in a notebook.
Is there a why?
Notice after naming your emotions if you can find the why behind them. It can be totally obvious what the why is. Or it might take some digging to find the answer. It’s also possible that you don’t find the why until a much later time. I often find it’s easier to try to figure out the why after you have come back to a sense of normalcy. Trying to uncover any truth when you are trapped in overwhelm and chaos is likely not going to be the real issue at hand.
As you explore what is causing your cup to spill out, see if a solution intuitively presents itself. Often times you know what you need to do to find balance. For me, it’s often that I have been spending and giving too much time to people. As an introvert, I really need time to myself to recharge and find my center. And in 2020, that has been nearly impossible. 😬 I’ve been using these steps on myself quite a bit
Reset and Reflect
As good as it feels to indulge in your pity party, eventually you have to find a way to move forward. If you haven’t come to a resolution with your feelings, schedule time with yourself to re-examine them. And then make sure you do it! Spending time resetting and reflecting is how you keep your cup from spilling over at the most inconvenient times. Even though it feels like just one more thing to do, create a time that is yours. Acknowledge all the work you are doing and feel your self-love.
If you are finding yourself in this state where you just can’t deal often, consider letting go of a few items that you are responsible for. Delegate, hire help, just stop doing it. Your mental health is worth it. Also, consider that you aren’t being the best mother if you are constantly in this state of overwhelm. It’s hard to find the joy when you are barely hanging on.
You, and your children, deserve to have a vibrant, happy mother who knows her limits and stays within them. If we put our kids into the equation, it can often be the motivator that causes change to happen. Find your reset button and use it often.
Want some perspective on how the pressures of motherhood are changing you? Check out this post.
