Act as if.
I hear that phrase one of two ways. Sometimes it hits me as an inspiration, like “fake it until you make it” and I rally around doing something outside of my comfort zone. Other times, I hear it and it sounds like I’m supposed to cover up what I’m really experiencing. Just act as if you are happy and then you will be. Same phrase, totally different interpretations.
Often for our children, we are expecting them to act or behave a certain way. While we may not say the actual words “act as if”, it’s implied. And I think it’s often used in the ‘cover-up your true feelings and act this way instead’ interpretation. Meltdowns coming to mind, anyone? As parents it’s much easier to deal with the easy-going, carefree child, than it is to handle the emotional one. Even just the word “handle” suggests it’s something we must fix or take care of. So our emotional children are told to “Stop crying”, “It’s not that big a deal”, “Don’t worry about that”, “You are so dramatic”, etc. They are constantly made to feel like their experience is wrong.
While I certainly am not an expert at dealing with my emotional child’s every outburst, (Lord knows I lose it with her more than I wish) having compassion for how it would feel to be invalidated helps. My deepest desire is for her to grow up feeling empowered, confident, and like she is capable of anything. However, her emotional challenges are a trigger for me. The pessimism and defeatist attitude she instinctually goes to breaks my heart. It also makes me feel a lot of anger. It’s the last thing I want for her. And I often have no idea how to help her, which brings up my own insecurities. So then I yell and tell her to “stop crying”.
Nature or Nurture
As I’ve done my own work on why her emotions trigger me, it’s easier for me to hold that space of compassion. The first level, obvious awareness was that I was often told I was too emotional as a child. It was the generation of children who are meant to be seen and not heard. Neither of my parents are overly emotional. I’m sure they often felt like I do now. Helpless, confused, and with a deep desire to want to do better but not knowing what to change. Mostly they defaulted to “stop crying and it’s not that big a deal”.
On the times I’m able to hold space and accept her big emotions, the connection I feel to her is palpable. On the times I yell, you can feel the disconnection just as strongly. It makes me think of the age old question, is it nature or nurture that shapes us. Would she develop a way to manage her emotions, while being able to still feel them as strongly, if she felt supported as a child? Does she eventually learn to hide her emotions because I’ve shown her they aren’t acceptable?
While it’s impossible to answer that question without a time machine or a crystal ball, I intend to do my best to stop it from triggering me. She deserves it. One thing I do now, that I hope helps, is I tell her I’m having a big emotion too. It’s not about her. However, if someone is yelling at you, it’s pretty hard to not make it about you. So it’s doubtful that is actually sinking in, but it does remind me to reengage differently. So that’s something.
Catch yourself.
I guess the point of this is to learn to have compassion during the meltdowns, even when they are happening well beyond toddler years. Try not to enforce an “act as if nothing is wrong” viewpoint immediately. Find a way to connect rather than expect. Catch yourself when you are being triggered. And then hopefully, respond differently. It’ll take time to rewire the response, but awareness is the first step.
Connection always trumps expectation.
Set yourself up for success by creating tools you’ll use in the moment. Maybe it’s an affirmation. When you feel like yelling, say to yourself “I can respond calmly and with compassion.” Just by reminding yourself that, you’ve started to rewire your response, even if you still end up yelling. One step at a time, right?
