Radical acceptance is synonymous with the idea of being unapologetically yourself. However, I think radical acceptance extends beyond the acceptance of yourself. You extend that same unapologetic love and acceptance to everyone you meet. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everyone or everything, but there is a place inside of you that can honor and accept it all. Without getting too far out there, each of us has a soul plan and a life mission to live out. There is no way to measure or compare the quality and importance of the lessons we are meant to be learning individually. They are unique to us and our soul’s path to enlightenment. Radical acceptance also reaches into the greatness we all possess. For some, it’s a lot easier to accept someone who is down on their luck than it is to accept someone who is just winning at life. This attitude can even apply looking within ourselves. It is sometimes easier to accept our negative behaviors, “that’s just the way I am” than it is to accept our best qualities, “everyone can do that, it’s nothing special.” You know what I mean? I wanted to bring this idea of radical acceptance into the conversation because I think it’s such an important topic for parents. In my opinion, you are never more at peace than when you have accepted the situation exactly as it is.
There are numerous ways to apply radical acceptance to parenting. First and foremost, it’s accepting your children exactly as they are. Second, it’s being able to teach your children how to find this level of acceptance for themselves. Third, it’s about the relationship between the parental units, especially if there are mixed or blended families. Forth, it’s creating a culture of acceptance as a society. So let’s talk about it!
Accepting your child exactly as they are.
As parents, we have a hard job. Truly, the sake of future society rests in the type of children we raise, the values they possess, and the way they interact with the world. It’s no small feat. Especially, when we have to deal with our own conditioning from our parents, grandparents and back and back. Every generation tries to do better than the last. When you know better, you do better, right? How we treat our children becomes their inner monologue. It also directly relates to how they treat others. It is crazy to think about 20 years from now. We could be living in a totally different world because our children will be the ones influencing it. I am definitely not the one to say what that ideal world will look like, but I do think it could be a kinder, more tolerant world. In order to create a culture of radical acceptance, it starts with how children feel about themselves and within their family unit. Do they feel loved no matter what? It is not enough to say it to a child, but do they actually feel it. I imagine it is easier for most parents to say those words than it is to convey the message of those words. I know it is for me at least. It’s a constant reminder to not belittle them because they made a mistake, like accidentally spilling water all over. If a child knocks over a glass at the table, the typical response is to huff and puff about what a mess they made, and when are they going to learn to be more careful. If a friend of yours accidentally knocked over a glass, you’d clean it up and say no problem, accidents happen. In yelling at the child, but accepting the adult’s mistake, we have just made the child feel unworthy and problematic. The easiest way that I have found to show your child you accept their mistakes is by saying, “Accidents happen, let’s clean it up.” or “We all make mistakes. What do we do now?”. Do I do this every time something happens? Hell no. But I try to make it the response I give more than the yelling response. That’s just one easy example. This is a huge topic, but I hope you see where I am going with this. Showing that you accept them, especially if they mess up, is one way of accepting them exactly as they are.
Teach your child to radically accept themselves.
This can be so hard with our culture of constant comparison, especially when it starts at such a young age. We are inundated with other people’s lives. It’s hard to find the space to even find out who we are, let alone accept ourselves for it. I think a way to make it easier is by allowing them to like what they like from the very beginning. If you know there is something that lights your child up, reinforce it for them. “You really like building things, don’t you?” “It seems like drawing is really important to you.” “It seems like you feel calmer when you’ve had some time to yourself in the morning.” “You are really focused on that. What do you like about that activity?” Notice that things that make a difference for your child emotionally and/or that they love doing. When you see that spark of life in their eyes or intense focus, verbalize it to them. It’ll help them remember those pieces of information and find clarity on who they may be at their core. Obviously, be careful to not just notice the things that you want them to enjoy or to act like. Also, it goes without saying that the better example you can be in radically accepting yourself, the better they will learn to accept themselves.
Acceptance between parental units.
It is so easy to complain about your partner. It’s even easier to complain about your partner’s ex, if there is one. This is one of the pieces that your children are watching and observing whether you practice what you preach. You can accept yourself, your child, but can you accept the person that can push your buttons? That’s what your children are watching and waiting to see. When your husband needs to take a nap every Saturday afternoon, can you accept that as his form of self-care despite how frustrating or inconvenient it is to you? Or do you get raging mad and let it destroy your entire weekend? When the step-parent constantly throws you under the bus with the children, can you accept that? It’s not that you don’t get mad ever, or that you don’t feel frustration or sadness. You do and you will. It is part of the human experience. It’s not bad!! It’s accepting yourself and your reaction to the annoying action however it showed up. It’s accepting that person’s shadow for what it is. It’s finding that place in your heart that is able to connect beyond their actions. Certainly, you can have a conversation about an annoying habit that sets you over the edge. Maybe there is a way to make it less annoying to you. I am not suggesting that you accept any behavior that puts you or your family in danger, but you can radically accept that person and their behavior from a distance. There is some part of your soul that can recognize there is good in them and a reason they became a part of your life. It may be that you aren’t ready to accept that fact yet, and that is ok. If you are doing your own healing work, there will be a point in time that you can see the why behind it all. When your children see you, and hopefully your husband as well, radically accept the relationship, they learn that they can do that for themselves and within their relationships. They also feel a sense of safety and security within the home. They see that it’s not just good qualities that are accepted within your home, but the entire person for better or worse.
Radical acceptance culture as a society.
Finally, this one isn’t all on you. But it does start with you. I think this piece is something we do individually, within the family unit, and then it radiates out from there. The piece that you can influence is yourself and your family. Have you questioned your core beliefs recently? You might just invite a bit of curiosity into why you believe that to be true. It’s not that you need to change your beliefs, but you should examine if there are any that aren’t truly in alignment with you and that you’ve just carried over from previous life experience, ie. your parent’s or extended family’s beliefs. You acting in alignment with what you believe and accept about yourself is the first step to a society of radical acceptance.
