One of the hardest things for parenting a dyslexic child is letting go of comparison. The expectations that your child needs to follow a certain timeline in order to be successful can overwhelming. As parents, we can get so caught up in them being behind and not meeting grade level standards. How will they ever catch up if the rest of the group is continuing to move forward so much faster than your child? It can cause a lot of anxiety, worry, and stress. The worst part though, is it creates a lot of pressure for your child to perform.
I believe in standardizing automobiles. I do not believe in standardizing human beings.
Albert Einstein
We know that there are no two people who are exactly the same on this earth. We know that. Yet we still follow this schooling model that tries to make everyone be the same and learn at the same rate. Human beings are not meant to be standardized. We thrive when are doing what we do best and handoff the things that slow us down or burden us. As adults we have no problem accepting that we do certain things well and other things not as well. We spend our lives doing the things we do well, aka the job we are at. If we are at a job that we are ill-equipped to perform, we are likely going to be made to find a new job. Or we will naturally decide to do that ourselves because we don’t like it.
Our children don’t have that same freedom within school. Attending school is mandatory. They have to stick to the same schedule as everyone else, doing the same activites as everyone else. The comparison trap is built into their day. Obviously, there are other options to a traditional school setting. I think it’s because of this reason, that you find many dyslexic children in alternative options.
Letting Go of Comparison
In school the point is to learn a variety of topics, find what is interesting to you, and develop into a well rounded human being. However, because the model assumes everyone will develop at the same pace, many are left behind, and many are not able to develop as fast as they could. Of course, they have a few systems in place to capture some of these children that fall on either side of the bell curve. If a child falls outside the curve, the implied message is that they are either behind and or advanced. Our comparison of how our child stacks up becomes the focus. However, if there wasn’t a curve to be judged against, they would just be devoping naturally. As parents of dyslexic kids, we need to be the one who stops comparing them against that standard curve.
Freeing our children from the expectations that they must perform like everyone else gives them their confidence back. It allows them to move forward without the constant comparison to where they “should” be. The more we can celebrate their uniqueness and accept them exactly as they are, the more self-assured they will be. When we focus on developing the skills they do well, they are able to expand into a bigger version of themselves. If all the focus is on catching up in the area that they struggle, they are limited to that level of success. They reach a cap that they can’t move beyond.
While it’s important to know where an average student lies and what is within range for a child, I think we, as a society, hold these metrics so tightly we loose sight of following where the child is now. When we step back and look at what’s really important, it’s not whether the child learned to read at 6, or 9, or 12. It’s how they felt about their experience in learning to read that makes the difference. By pressuring them and making them feel behind, they are internalizing that they aren’t good enough and they don’t belong. The language we use to describe the services they are recieving also effects how they feel about themselves. Are we using language that is belittling or empowering?
Reading tutor = Reading Coach
We like to tell our kids that their Barton tutor is a reading coach. They have coaches in sports and realize that a coach is someone who gives supports them in developing their skills. It doesn’t feel demeaning. This also keeps in line with the message that they are developing a skill and skill levels vary but each person is a valuable member of the team. All the players are needed to have a great team.
When a coach makes winning the only goal, there is less joy and group cohesiveness. If we pressure our children to catch up quickly within their tutoring, we have taken the joy of learning and turned it into winning. There is no race to read. Understanding the fundamentals of the game, aka reading, are what allow you to become a great player in the future.
Celebrate the Child You Have
We know the comparison game is damaging. I’m sure you’ve experienced that for yourself. If you are constantly comparing yourself to someone else, you can’t celebrate who you are and appreciate the good qualities you have. You are only focused on the lack. And it sucks. This is how our children can be made to feel when we are constantly comparing them to the standard curve and where they fall on the line. Even if we aren’t verbalizing this to our children, they can feel that pressure and disappointment energetically.
One way to easily stop yourself in the parenting comparison trap, is to celebrate the child you have. Notice all their strengths and highlight those. Let them feel how proud you are of their drawing ability. Be amazed in how well they can tell a story and make you feel something from it. Ohh and ahh over their newest invention. There are so many facets to a person and they are all important to make up the whole individual.
This blog post on radical acceptance, gives you more insight on what it means to fully accept your child for who they are. There is no changing who we innately are. Fundamentally we all need to feel acceptance for who we are: good, bad, and everything in between. Stop the comparison. Celebrate the individual in front of us. Release the pressure that they need to develop according to a specific timeline.
