Day 1059 of COVID-19 shelter at home. I feel like every day is the same and nothing is ever getting done. On one hand, I love the family bonding we are getting out of this, and on the other hand, I am desperate for some alone time. I know my kids are really loving being home. It’s like endless summer over here. My son is over the moon about not being at school. He is doing his Barton tutoring remotely and having a blast. I have been surprised by his focus and willingness to do the work. It kind of makes me wonder about traditional school and the pressure it puts on him. Even in an AMI Montessori environment where there are no grades, children are working independently, and the children are inherently at different levels because of the age range, he still feels like he is different or doesn’t fit in. This is a school that embraces his difference and focuses on allowing every child’s uniqueness to shine. And still, it’s hard for him and I fight him to go to school. It has made me really think about the emotional toll dyslexia, and other SLD’s, have on children.
I read an alarming statistic the other day from Journal of Learning Disabilities, which stated 89% of suicide notes had dyslexic-type spellings in them. That honestly shook me to my core. Another article stated that there is a 3x risk of attempting suicide for those with specific learning disorders. Again, another staggering statistic. I think one of the things that often goes unnoticed, or maybe unaddressed is a better way of putting it, is the emotional landscape these children have to navigate. They are living in a world that was not built for them. Hopefully, that will change in the near future, but it will take the work of parents, educators, advocates, and society as a whole to release the stigma placed on those who have neurodiversity.
We know that every person is unique and different. It makes logical sense that we would all need different ways of learning. This really isn’t meant to be a knock on teachers either. This is a discussion about the ramifications, and emotional distress, those with neurodiversity encounter. Imagine traveling internationally. There are no English signs anywhere. You are totally disoriented and must rely on the help of others to get you to your destination. Everyone knows where they are going and what they are doing except you. You feel out of place and like you don’t belong there.
This is much how a dyslexic person feels in the traditional classroom, however, they don’t really understand why they don’t fit in because they are in their native language/home. In the scenario of traveling, you signed up for that feeling of vulnerability and disorientation when you booked your travel. You knew you were going to be a little uncomfortable and that might have been part of the intrigue. A person with a SLD doesn’t have that same choice.
As parents, it is also incredibly difficult to navigate our children’s feelings of inadequacy. It brings up all sorts of triggers within us. If you are dyslexic yourself, it brings up memories of your own trauma through school. If you aren’t dyslexic, it’s hard to grasp the feeling and know how to help. You know you hate seeing your child struggle and develop poor self-confidence because of their inability to keep pace with their peers. You do your best to bolster their self-confidence. You may even have tried exercises like this one to create meaningful conversations about how unique and powerful they are. You could take their struggles to mean you are doing a crappy job of parenting. Or you may feel hopeless about ever moving past this infuriating stage of schooling. You could be grieving the life you once dreamed up for your child. There are so many feelings you are going through, it would be impossible to list them all. And it is HARD.
When your child comes home with all these big feelings, explodes during homework, and lashes out at siblings, it requires the parent to teach them how to understand and moderate their emotions. I’ve found many adults don’t know how to actually regulate their own emotions, which obviously makes teaching your child how to, even more difficult. No matter your level of emotional intelligence, it is critical that you show up in a supportive manner and show your child how loved and special they are. Yes, we all need to hear what a special snowflake we are in times of self-doubt. Our obligation, and hopefully desire, is to raise children who are confident, know they are loved and can overcome the challenges they will face in life.
I think contributing factors to those alarming statistics I mentioned above are about a lack of acceptance and also ignorance on what neurodiversity means. I hope as parents we can rise up and challenge those misconceptions. Pave the way for our children to be accepted and embraced for their differences. We need to encourage inclusivity. We need to be sure we are celebrating them as often as possible at home AND ALSO seeking out other adults who will be a cheerleader for our child. The more positive reinforcement they receive throughout their childhood, the better equipped they will be to find peace and acceptance of their brain difference. Also, I think it’s very important to use the word disability with school administration, government bodies, and professionals that can help and provide services, but not with a young child. When they are able to understand how the word disability protects and allows them access to the services they need for success, have that discussion with them. Until then, empower them with the word difference and reinforce that all people are different. Our differences are what make us special. We all have great minds and we all can master the mind we have.
If this post brought up big emotions for you, reach out for support. If you are struggling to understand your child and how go help, know that there is help available and you both deserve it. There is a way to connect to your child and support them. Start with a conversation. It doesn’t have to go perfectly. The end goal is making sure your child knows you are always on their side and you believe in them. There are a 1,000 ways to accomplish that. Deep down I think you know exactly what your child needs to hear from you. Also, keep in mind this is a continual conversation and you will likely have all 1,000 ways of it eventually. When in doubt, give them a hug, as often as possible.
