Resilience:
1. the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress.
2. the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.
When you read success stories about dyslexic people that have made great impact and contributions to society, there is an overarching theme that is repeated through them all. They overcame their trials and struggles, and often times accredit their struggles to the reason they are/were successful. Really, it’s the measure of anyone’s success; they just don’t give up when others would have. I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say we all want our children to be successful. We all have different definitions of what success looks like, but however it’s defined by the individual, it definitely involves autonomy in the real world. There has to be a strong enough sense of self to say, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and the way I’m living my life.
The truth of the matter is children with dyslexia, or any other neuro-difference, have a harder time in school than those who are neuro-typical. There is no way around it. Traditional schooling, as it stands today, is just not designed for how their brains operate. We can advocate for accommodations, and you absolutely should, but it will never completely level the playing field. They are going to face far more challenges every single day than other children. It is an emotional burden as well as an intellectual one. For just one minute, close your eyes and really put yourself in your child’s shoes. Think about what it’s like being reprimanded every day for just being who you are and doing the best you can. Constantly wondering why its so easy for everyone else and wishing it was for you. For the shame you feel seeing your friends move on to reading chapter books, while you are still working out three letter words that don’t connect in any meaningful way. Being called on to read aloud in class exposing your weakness to all your friends. Feeling like you aced that test because you were so confident in your understanding of the material and then getting a C-. And then being told you’ll have to work harder to get a better grade next time. Not being able to take accurate notes quick enough, using all of your mental energy just to write, that you can’t even pay attention to what the teacher is saying. At the end of class you are left with nothing to study from or any idea what the lecture was actually about. Guess you’ll fail that quiz too. Etc. Etc. Sit back, put your empathy hat on, and do your best to embody what your child’s day is really like.
Through putting yourself in your child’s shoes, I think you’ll realize how important it is that they learn emotional resilience. The confidence that comes deep from within to say, “I’ve got this. I may not get it right the first time, but I’m willing to continue trying because I believe in myself and my abilities.” All children need this within them, but it especially important for those with disabilities because they have more to overcome. Emotional resilience is a skill that takes time to develop and your child is going to need your help to do it. Hell, as adults we need help developing our emotional resilience. It’s a skill that needs to be practiced and used regularly in order to become their primary operating mode. We all know people that are just so tenacious and never know when to stop, as well as the opposite that never try or give up the first time they make a mistake. There is a balance between the two that allows a person to have a healthy sense of grit and determination without becoming overbearing or compulsive.
We have to see our children as the best version of themselves. We have to keep a vision alive that they are capable of anything and can achieve success. We have to believe for them, until they can for themselves. Some days this will be a challenge, other days you’ll be dreaming up all the possibilities the future holds. Our ability to hold space for our children’s big emotions and then walk them through it to come to a place of normalcy teaches them how to do it for themselves. It takes effort on our part as parents to show them how to be emotionally resilient. Just like teaching them to tie their shoes, we need to teach them how to process and deal with emotions. I think one of the things parents often forget, because I know I do, is that a child’s prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until about age 25. The prefrontal cortex handles emotional regulation, keeping a daily schedule, time management, impulse control, future thinking/planning, and being able to think through a series of outcomes. For children with ADHD, ADD, and dyslexia, this part of their brain can take even longer to develop completely, if ever. One of the roles of caregivers, and by that I mean anyone who influences your child throughout the day, is to be the prefrontal cortex. Sounds weird I know. But this is the reason we have to remind our children to do the same, daily tasks over and over again. We are the extension of their executive functioning. It’s maddening to us because we think they should be able to remember to put on their damn shoes when it’s time to leave the house. But they just don’t think through the schedule in the same way we do.
Let’s break it down and walk through how we can cultivate emotional resilience within our children. Spoiler alert, it involves us being a good role model to emulate. Children need to see it in action before they can apply it themselves.
Growth Mindset
The idea that mistakes are not bad but rather learning opportunities is crucial. I honestly have no idea when the perfectionist culture invaded our society, but it has got to stop. No one is perfect, no one will do everything perfectly all the time, and it especially won’t be perfect on the first try. When we see mistakes as learning tools, it erases the shame and allows us to move forward. It’s saying to your child, “Well that didn’t work out like I thought it would. I wonder what happens if I try it this way.” There is no judgement in the fact that it didn’t work out and you move on. You grow from your mistakes. There are studies that show we learn and remember the answers we missed on a test versus the ones we got right. I read another study that actually showed children with executive functioning disorders, like ADHD and dyslexia, activate more of their brain during constructive feedback that helps them remember the correct answer. It could be that they are more open minded to feedback because they are used to receiving it more frequently. Who knows really? The idea here is that mistakes are not road blocks and don’t diminish your self worth. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and try again.
Another component to the growth mindset is that you have to start somewhere and continue improving until you get where you want to go. If we expect to do everything perfectly right from the beginning we are setting ourselves and our children up for failure. There are things that we can be naturally gifted at, but that doesn’t make you the best without practice and continued effort. Our children need to learn that small steps every day make progress. Practice makes progress, not perfection. If you improved 1% every day by the end of the year, you’ve improved 365% right? That’s pretty massive improvement even though it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. For children it feels even longer and with smaller improvements because their sense of time is different. We can help them to understand the idea of eating an elephant one bite at a time or running the marathon one step at a time. They can learn that it really is okay to make slow, continued progress and it’s worth the effort. One of the tools you can use to help show them their improvement is a monthly check in. Sit down and talk about everything they learned that month, maybe even writing it down so they can see a long list. Right down all the small things, like read two sentences without pausing. Or recognized one letter sound (phoneme) they didn’t know before. Learned something from an audio book or national geographic. You get the idea. It’s essentially just helping them to understand all the knowledge they really are gaining and then maybe even setting goals for the next month. This leads into the next piece of emotional resilience, goal setting.
Goal Setting
Along with teaching our children how to work through problems, they need to know there is an end result they are working towards. Have you ever noticed when you are focused on a goal, it’s much easier to put the blinders on and just get to work? Generally goals help create a path to follow that keeps us focused on success. Also, knowing what you are working towards allows you to more easily overcome mistakes and set backs, hence why they help cultivate emotional resilience. The goals need to be manageable enough that the child feels like they could actually accomplish them. You want to set the stage for success. I’d focus on setting four goals for the month. By setting multiple goals you are increasing the chance that at least one will be accomplished so you can celebrate their success. They should make three short term goals and have one long term goal that carries over a few months. Find a way to keep their goals at the forefront of their mind. Maybe they draw a picture of it, write it on a goal board or in their daily planner, remind them verbally. You and your child might come up with a creative idea that helps them remember what they are working towards.
At the end of the month, did your child achieve the goals or not? The key here is to celebrate what they did accomplish. If they didn’t achieve one of the goals, ask what they think happened or got in the way? Is there a different way they want to approach the goal in the upcoming month? Is this goal still important to them? What did they learn even though the goal wasn’t quite hit? Kids as young as five or six can give you amazing, often very insightful, feedback. When you go through this goal setting practice and review, you are teaching your child how to do it for themselves. They learn how to celebrate and be proud of themselves. They learn how to be objective and focused on the process, not necessarily the outcome. They learn how to re-evaluate and pivot in a different direction. These skills help with emotional resilience because they learn how to manage what they want and how to achieve it.
Conscious Connection
The last piece I’m going to mention today is consciously connecting with your child. This means showing up for your child so they feel seen and validated. Showing compassion, empathy, and heart-felt connection allows them to feel safe and taken care of. A big part of parenting, especially with strong-willed creative children is regulating our own emotions to be able to respond rather than react. God knows this is not easy to do, but is so worth it when you do. Connecting to your child in a conscious way, means putting aside your agenda and really being present with them. The only way to really be seen, heard, and validated is if the other person is present and actively listening to what you have to say. Also, remember validation doesn’t mean you are right, it means you have a right to feel the way you do. Big distinction. Our children may be wrong about school being a waste of time, but they still have a right to feel this way. It’s not our job to make them feel differently or correct their belief. When we do that, we are judging them, making their feelings be wrong or bad. Leading to them feeling like they are a bad person and unworthy of love. It’s our job to meet our children where they are, hold judgement-free space, have unwavering compassion, and help them discover why they feel that way.
Let them see you get frustrated and the tools you use to calm down. Let them see you apologize when you lose it. Let them see you talk in a positive way about yourself and your own mistakes. Let them see you work through your own goals and desires. When they see you doing these things they see you as a pillar of safety and strength. They see you as the container for all their big emotions. Remember you are an extension of their frontal lobe. Children feel comfortable expressing themselves to you because they see you have a way to deal with them and because they feel connected to you. When they are sharing feelings with you, you can help them describe and put words to those feelings. You can ask questions to help them get clarity and if there are any underlying big emotions. Describing and questioning gives them a stronger sense of emotional awareness. When they are aware of the emotions they are feeling, they can better ask for help and support working through them. You are setting the foundation for them having strong emotional and mental health, where they can build themselves back up when they need to.
Cultivating emotional resilience is a life long process. Our children deserve to know that they are capable of overcoming adversity. They don’t need us to swoop in and solve their problems. If we armor them with the knowledge that they have the resources within them and/or how to find other resources to figure it out, we have put them on a trajectory to success.
